Arnie Grape is Everywhere

Dave on weddings ....

2011-12-31T20:33:00.001-05:00

They don't have weddings in Africa. And they sure as shit don't have cake.

quote of the day.

2011-05-14T13:12:00.001-04:00

Me: "The procedure is called an endometrial ablation. "
Andy: "Isn't that what Tiger Woods is? A Blasian?"

Quote of the Day:

2011-05-07T20:46:00.002-04:00

Dave, on being afraid of things: "More people have fear of rifles than snakes"

Followed by Dave, on me typing the above quote into my phone: "It'd take you less time to type in 'Geronimo,' I know that."

quote of the day.

2011-05-03T21:58:00.000-04:00

ryniak on pastel floral print skinny jeans at H&M: "this is what your grandmother would wear if she was 14."

quote of the day.

2011-04-30T21:58:00.000-04:00

ryniak on first watch: [whispering] "this is where white people eat breakfast."

quote of the day.

2011-04-17T09:53:00.000-04:00

i received this text message today, at 9:45am...

"Pre Raphaelite is not Renaissance. Fuck."

i love having art nerds for friends.

quote of the day

2011-02-20T20:38:00.001-05:00

John on choices: "I would rather my parents watch porn than American Idol."

quote of the day.

2011-02-19T14:04:00.002-05:00

Ben, on oral hygiene: "is it somehow oxymoronic to be anal about having good breath?"

quote of the day

2011-02-18T19:34:00.002-05:00

Dave, on quotes by Dave: "If I wrote in paint on a canvas all the shit I've said over the years, I'd be a goddamned millionaire."

quote of the day

2011-02-18T19:31:00.002-05:00

Dave, on firemen: "It is a FACT that 80% of all U.S. firefighters are volunteer. So fuck the other 20%. If you're that much of a fucking hero, you should volunteer as well."

quote of the day.

2011-01-26T17:33:00.001-05:00

Fonz, on musicians: "The seriousness of a musician is proportionate to the distance between the top of his instrument and his neck."

(I think he may have meant that it was inversely proportionate, but there was a very large mason jar of moonshine involved that night...)

quote of the day.

2011-01-26T17:31:00.003-05:00

Dave, on cologne: "heaven's a crowded place. if you smell like shit you're probably not getting in."

quote of the day.

2011-01-26T17:30:00.003-05:00

I had a backlog of saved quotes on my phone's notepad. it was time to dump 'em...

Dave, on art: "if it's not Dali, it probably sucks."

quote of the day.

2010-11-14T22:01:00.001-05:00

[anonymous] on the dropkick murphys: "it's kinda working class. like... like low rent bruce springsteen. with bagpipes."

quote of the day.

2010-10-22T17:25:00.001-04:00

best typo ever:

lacey, via text message, re: fertility drugs (and from a bar):
"most people on the med are drunk in a month."
"i mean... pregnant. sorry."

awesome.

quote of the day.

2010-10-21T22:29:00.001-04:00

today at dinner, lacey told me that 'phoebe' had been discussed as a possible girl name in the event of twins happening... but then said that since i'm not into kids, it seemed weird. i told her i was all for having her twin daughter named after me, and if so, i would be forced to spoil her rotten. to which she replied:

"if i have to squeeze possibly more than one human being out of my vagina the least you could do is buy it a sweater."

quote of the day.

2010-10-05T22:38:00.002-04:00

daniela: "helloooo, mr. jaunty. would you like some lasagna?"

quote of the day.

2010-09-28T20:44:00.003-04:00

matt freeman, on you: "matt freeman is drunk and he hates you."

quote of the day.

2010-08-31T08:49:00.003-04:00

jeff, on the ramones: "it's like sock-hop for glue-heads."

quote of the day.

2010-08-04T08:24:00.002-04:00

jeff, on music: "music sucks. that's why i hate it."

quote of the day.

2010-07-11T13:01:00.002-04:00

little kid to mother at tall ships festival: "so, mommy... are those pirates?"

quote, er, WORD of the day.

2010-07-03T16:43:00.001-04:00

word of the day, via ryan, on his way to heavy rebel weekender with mothertrucker: orcabilly.

quote of the day.

2010-06-19T22:38:00.003-04:00

ryan, on home-schooling: "so, you pretty much hang out all day and play music and read poetry and do shit that kids' brains really connect with. and then, when they're like seven, you teach 'em to fight and send 'em to the park."

quote of the day.

2010-06-14T09:07:00.001-04:00

mallorie (whispering), to me, while shopping at the asian grocery store: "we're in the CRACKER aisle."

quote of the day.

2010-06-12T21:44:00.001-04:00

today, we gave erin the bad cowboy hat that came from a lars & the bastards tour eight years ago. this was said...

ryan: it's totally just, like, a five dollar truck stop cowboy hat.
erin: that's ok. my boyfriend is totally, like, a five dollar truck stop hillbilly.

quote of the day.

2010-06-09T23:05:00.001-04:00

driving across missouri, we spot a huge building with the sign "indian gifts" on the front.

ryan says: "do you have to give them back?"

quote of the day.

2010-06-09T23:04:00.001-04:00

daniela, on relationships: "yesterday i told [my boyfriend] that [his shitty female best friend who is in love with him] looks like a horse. today he bought me flowers. i win."

quote of the day.

2010-04-30T23:45:00.002-04:00

allisun, on bad art: "nice use of perspective, asshole."

quote of the day.

2010-04-29T23:59:00.001-04:00

jeff, on buying art as an investment: "man, i'd rather buy $100,000 worth of steaks than a painting."

quote of the day.

2010-03-28T15:47:00.001-04:00

ryan, on the shady maple smorgasbord: "i like that the ten commandments are prominently displayed over the drinks bar. i guess they repealed the separation of church and smorgasbord here in pennsylvania."

*side note: this was the weirdest, fattest, biggest and jesus-est place i have ever been. seriously, click the link up there. un-fucking-believable.

quote of the day.

2010-03-22T21:11:00.001-04:00

ryan, on the band 'the killers': "this is fuckin' menudo for woo girls."

quote of the day.

2010-03-19T23:39:00.003-04:00

phoebe, on the east side: "did you see that siegfried & roy lookin motherfucker in front of us in line talking weirdly to his children?"

quote of the day.

2010-03-10T07:32:00.004-05:00

craig, on transportation and sexual orientation: "i got my BMW. you can't be gay in L.A. if you don't have a beamer."

quote of the day.

2010-03-06T21:00:00.003-05:00

dave, on jail: "you're not allowed individual space heaters in jail."

quote of the day.

2010-03-06T20:59:00.001-05:00

dave, on pere ubu: "dave thomas is just a little jealous of sting because he's fat and he cant fuck for hours like sting can."

[note: i am EMPHATICALLY anti-sting. like, i wish he would die an exceedingly painful death. and it's not because i am fat. nor does it have anything to do with sexual stamina issues. he simply offends my ears with his hideous music. but i am not dave thomas.]

quote of the day.

2010-02-27T20:30:00.001-05:00

ryan, on brazil: "you cannot roll up in brazil and say, 'hey dude - i'm a conga player,' cause you'd get schooled by an 8 year old."

quote of the day.

2010-02-25T21:32:00.003-05:00

jason, on curling: "white people will latch onto any sport that there are no black people in. yet."

quote of the day.

2010-02-20T12:38:00.001-05:00

tessa, on how her feelings on public breastfeeding will not change should she ever procreate herself: "no. there will never be a time when i'm comfortable enough to sit on a bench AT THE MALL and whip out my tit for my kid to eat from. no."

amen, sister. cover that shit up. it INFURIATES me. nasty.

quote of the day.

2010-02-18T22:40:00.003-05:00

jessica, on drugs: "drugs aren't as bad as people say they are."

quote of the day

2010-02-12T11:52:00.004-05:00

kim (who is actually not a hillbilly), on marrying rich: "you ain't livin' unless you're scratchin' and diggin' for everything you got."

quote of the day.

2010-01-22T14:04:00.003-05:00

lisa, via text message: "my flight is delayed because obama is in town. fuck him."

quote of the day.

2010-01-13T19:42:00.001-05:00

jeff, out of fucking nowhere: "the tot is no longer my favorite tater."

quote of the day.

2009-10-17T21:00:00.003-04:00

ryan, on how sweetest day is even dumber than kwanzaa, as made-up holidays go: "...kwanzaa can pretty much eat a dick. it's basically black people's excuse to wear mufasa costumes. bitch, you don't know what tribe you're from. take that stupid shit off."

quote of the day.

2009-10-15T15:24:00.002-04:00

daniela on marriage: "i dunno. it might be kinda cool to be married, if i didn't have to tell anyone."

quote of the day

2009-09-22T15:48:00.004-04:00

Justin on living in Cleveland: "Seriously, it's amazing what you can get used to... and like."

quote of the day

2009-09-21T10:59:00.003-04:00

Ryan on UFOs: "I've never seen Buenos Aires either but I believe it exists"

quote of the day.

2009-09-12T23:12:00.004-04:00

lacey, on my bad misanthropy: "you are my friend who probably hates the most things that there are to hate... WHY are we at the zooooo?"

quote of the day.

2009-07-02T16:51:00.001-04:00

ryan, on the gay dudes that own the liquor store: "gay. it's way better than straight edge."

quote of the day.

2009-05-31T10:16:00.002-04:00

steve, on the cosby show: "man, i would totally lick lisa bonet."

quote of the day.

2009-05-16T03:20:00.003-04:00

sarah, on lapsed catholicism: "bless me father, for i have sinned. it's been 20 years since my last confession... and i have fucked everyone."

quote of the day.

2009-05-16T03:19:00.001-04:00

sarah: "you know what's revolting? jenna jameson's asshole."

quote of the day.

2009-05-03T09:42:00.002-04:00

ryan: "that might be one of the freakiest things ever... getting charged by a retarded indian in the dark."

quote of the day.

2009-05-03T09:40:00.002-04:00

justin, dave and ryan, on revenge:
justin: "i'll be right back. i'm gonna go shit in his bed."
ryan: "there's nothing more awesome than shitting in someone's bed."
dave: "have you ever shit in someone's bed?"
ryan: "no, but it sounds awesome, doesn't it?"

quote of the day.

2009-05-03T09:39:00.004-04:00

dave, on beer being sold at the zoo: "we should get tanked and hang out with the monkeys... isn't the zoo free on mondays?... what are you guys doin' on monday?"

quote of the day.

2009-05-03T09:38:00.003-04:00

me, on our soon-to-be former roommate: "it's hard to accomplish your life's dream when you suck at life."

quote of the day.

2009-05-03T09:37:00.001-04:00

justin, on the sousaphone: "that thing sounds like a retard getting a blow job."

quote of the day.

2009-04-26T08:39:00.003-04:00

ryan, on bacon: "like, if there wasn't bacon... seriously, what else would we compare everything to?"

quote of the day.

2009-04-26T08:37:00.002-04:00

mary beth, on doug: "why do i think he's so cute?! he's like... a big, greasy, weird-outfit-ball tonight."

special post: saved text message edition.

2009-04-23T21:42:00.005-04:00

so, i have a habit of saving texts i get that i find particularly hilarious or terrible or whatever. i also have a habit of saving old cell phones when i get new ones. so, yeah:

[some names have been censored to protect the not-very-innocent]

04/23/09 - xxxxxxxx: "my doc put me on prozac... my first antidepressant! i feel so grown up. ...and one of the side effects is loss of appetite! *joy*"

04/08/09 - todd: "maybe i need to shove this phone up my ass as some kind of voodoo cure for phantom dialing."

03/14/09 - todd: "one of these days i am going to place an urgent call to you. and you will think it is my butt."

03/13/09 - todd: "fuck my stupid butt."

03/07/09 - xxxxxxxx: "this #!@@&? in front of me in the customer service line has a tattoo on his neck of a music clef with the word death written under it. the white man he's with is returning a toothbrush. a toothbrush. yeah. that's all he has in his hand in the return line. like what? he suddenly doesn't need a toothbrush? he found his old one? he will never in the future need one? and he's returning it for what, $1.50?"

02/28/09 - daniela: "babies are for suckers"

02/20/09 - johnny: "I don't like white bras. They have no pizzazz to them."

01/10/09 - ashlee: "if you watch channel 5's 11 o'clock news tonight you can laugh at andy and i digging my car out of his driveway with a tennis racquet."

12/30/08 - xxxxxxxx: "I just had an HIV test because they were offering them free here when i came to get my birth control shot. One question is how many partners i've had. i think the truth is 4. But the options were none, 1, 2, 3 to 10, and 11 or more. I told them i was offended by the 3 to 10 category. Like i may as well have slept with 10 people."

12/24/08 - tony: "I am decorating the Kwanzaa Hubcap with Olde English bottles and bus transfers as we speak!"

12/05/08 - ashlee: "i couldn't call to ask him cuz he already talks to me in all seriousness like this: 'these are my fish. they're from the amazon. that's a river. in south america.'"

10/29/08 - ryan: "Some hyper little retard is crawling around on the floor trying to count to 100"

10/17/08 - johnny: "Oh Johnny."

07/26/08 - johnny: "I learned a valuable lesson tonight. Girls like me when i'm being awesome."

07/22/08 - stacy: "I want my sex drive removed."

07/18/08 - johnny: "OH FUCK YEAH RYAN AND I ARE SO FRIENDS"

05/27/08 - traci: "My loaner car is a PT Cruiser. I've never felt as gay as I do right now."

03/03/08 - xxxxxxxx: "damn it woman clean your box."

02/14/08 - todd: "oh yeah. happy valentine's day. go get fucked senseless by a rockstar. i am going to bowl."

02/13/08 - xxxxxxxx: "awww yeah - nothing says love like locking yourself in the bathroom to bleach your 'stache."

12/06/07 - steve: "yes. i am like samson, but my power comes from the length of my cock, not my hair."

10/10/07 - xxxxxxxx: "and they're intrusive. he laid against me on the couch and i put my arm around his shoulder and was like 'ok, now where do i put my hand? on his boob?'"

10/19/07 - ryan: "me and black dad just chillin. we might go get some fortys and hang out behind the hess station ...we do what we want. you ain't his mother"

10/12/07 - xxxxxxxx: "i had an offer from an australian guy that i hung out with two nights ago, too. i passed and i am glad. all i need is a new strain of chlamydia or something to show up on 2 different continents and be linked back to me."

10/06/07 - ashlee: "i just went into this insane magical tanning bed that looks like a spaceship, talks to you, and can apparently turn you into a negro in 3 days."

07/27/07 - ryan: "this has degenerated into trashy bitches shakin dey butts"

07/26/07 - xxxxxxxx: "so i banged xxxxxxxx. i think for a long time. except i was so wasted that i remember maybe 10% of it - i think i may have fallen asleep during"

06/22/07 - ryan: "mildly retarded taco bell clerk is convinced i'm tom cruise"

02/03/07 - ryan: "i want to APOLOGIZE WITH CAPS LOCK ON FOR THE WAY I SMELLED EARLIER I TOOK A SHOWER AND SMELL MUCH LESS LIKE A GOAT BUTTHOLE SO I HOPE YOU WILL CONSIDER COMING HOME LATER INSTEAD OF GOING DIRECTLY TO STEVES"

10/15/06 - ryan: "When danny elfman ends up in a retirement home do you think they'll have oingo BINGO night?"

09/11/06 - ryan: "might have to make out with big jay later you not being around and all"

07/13/06 - ryan: "we're in a target. that's punk rock right?"

07/06/06 - ryan: "As it turns out, ninjas really are super sweet"

06/27/06 - ryan: "My car is sold. my bread has mold. dollar bills i like to fold. my wisdom teeth need to be pulled. now this is getting a little old."
phoebe: "My job does suck. Where is my truck? 3 hours late. My job I hate. Lacey's still drunk and in a funk. I'm tired as hell and don't feel well. But then HEY! Today's Boonesday!"
ryan: "No word from the boys. im getting annoyed. the fish was delish and made quite a dish."

06/12/06 - ryan: "Does the pope shit in the woods?"

05/15/06 - ryan: "Well, first you're going to need to obtain some money. Then you have to find an auto parts store and exchange money for some transmission fluid."

05/01/06 - lacey: "Phantom of Cool!"

04/08/06 - ryan: "Pink cupcake dress with pepsi stain = priceless."

03/08/06 - ashlee: "of course not. I'm rolling around in the gutter with the rest of the alcoholics."

02/03/06 - ryan: "you could always help me 'move another piano'."

01/04/06 - ashlee: "i am looking at a catalog and their jeans are advertised as 'convertible'. the description says they are versatile because they can be worn regular OR cuffed."

11/25/05 - anthony: "this commercial just said 'No one buys a widescreen TV to watch reruns of Alf'. if only there WERE reruns of Alf..."

10/16/05 - ashlee: "i just ordered an entire pizza for myself. I'm going to sit here and roll around in it."

08/26/05 - lacey: "while cleaning under my bed i found a pamphlet titled 'How To Use A Condom'. Where has that been all my life?"

quote of the day.

2009-04-23T21:41:00.002-04:00

ryan, on where it all began: "no place like a buffet to take a retard."

quote of the day.

2009-04-19T14:53:00.001-04:00

lil blackface, on writing rap songs: "words rhyme with themselves."

quote of the day.

2009-04-19T09:32:00.001-04:00

steve: "i would punch an orphan for a blow job right now."

quote of the day.

2009-04-19T09:31:00.003-04:00

james, on how fast his bike is: "that's one thing i know. you can talk as much shit as you want. as long as you don't ever have to back it up."

quote of the day.

2009-04-17T09:47:00.003-04:00

on medical tape:

ryan: "here's the scissors."
me: "i don't need them - this stuff is tear-able."
ryan: "well, why'd we buy it then?"

wa-wa-waaaaaah.

he's an ass.

quote of the day.

2009-03-27T08:01:00.002-04:00

dave, on the statue of liberty: "the statue of liberty is not american. it was made in france. by france people."

quote of the day.

2009-03-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

darren, on demi moore: "demi moore is actually pretty healthy. she's like, what, 75... 80 years old."

quote of the day.

2009-03-25T20:21:00.002-04:00

mallorie, on octodogs: "the beef ones were very erect and scary!"

quote of the day.

2009-03-14T11:13:00.002-04:00

joe hongosh, on ryan's idea of romance: "did you just high-five your not-wife?"

quote of the day.

2009-03-14T11:09:00.005-04:00

dave, on payot:

phoebe: "you DO look very jewish."
dave: "yeah, but i don't have the, uh..." (makes swirling gestures with fingers where sidelocks should be)
aubrey: "what are they called?"
dave: "dreidels."

quote of the day.

2009-03-12T22:00:00.002-04:00

me, on why i won't be breeding: "if i had a baby, i'd punch it. it is because i know this that i will not be having any babies."

quote of the day.

2009-03-12T21:59:00.002-04:00

lacey, on interracial crushes: "if i were ever to switch to the dark side, which i won't, i'd have a crush on the president and lebron james."

quote of the day.

2009-03-12T21:57:00.002-04:00

sean, on breakfast (this is from last weekend - i just remembered it!)
sean calls phone: "what are you doing?"
me: "eating breakfast. in denver."
sean: "are you having a denver omelet?"
me: "no."
sean: "why not?! you're RIGHT THERE!"

quote of the day.

2009-03-11T00:08:00.002-04:00

donny, on broccoli: "broccoli is good. it's like eating a giant tree of good."

quote of the day.

2009-03-07T23:31:00.001-05:00

wendy, on how we've never really been PC: "i don't think that's being racist at all. i think that's just being observant."

quote of the day.

2009-03-04T21:24:00.003-05:00

dave, on playing cards in a mexican restaurant: "i guess you could, but usually when mexicans play cards, there's knives involved."

quote of the day.

2009-03-02T20:10:00.001-05:00

jeremy brautman, on my kookiness: "I can only imagine that Phoebe’s keyboard is covered in glitter."

ok. this was ACTUALLY just a pathetic way for me to post a link to THIS ARTICLE about ME ME ME on toycyte.com today. go there. you could win something just be telling me what a drunk you are!

quote of the day.

2009-03-02T20:04:00.002-05:00

paul snyder, in disgust, on bagelfuls: "america just wants to turn everything into a fucking twinkie!"

quote of the day.

2009-03-01T23:07:00.002-05:00

ryan, on whether or not the italian place in lakewood is any good: "i dunno. we could probably ask dave. dave likes food."

quote of the day.

2009-03-01T01:49:00.003-05:00

eric, on what smells like bacon all of a sudden: "i did eat bacon pizza earlier. i probably got bacon all over me."

quote of the day.

2009-03-01T01:48:00.002-05:00

ryan, on akron kids: "so you dress like a fruit basket and you listen to jay z. great."

quote of the day.

2009-02-25T17:48:00.003-05:00

ryan, on drunk bitches at shows who think it's cool to take various percussion instruments from the band and walk around the bar with them: "listen, bitch. i don't come to your job and take your fuckin' stapler and walk around the office stapling shit."

quote of the day.

2009-02-21T01:10:00.001-05:00

ryan, on some guy on CNN: "nice head."

quote of the day.

2009-02-18T23:13:00.002-05:00

ryan, on earth day: "fucking earth day. i'm going to turn on all the lights and fuck a panda bear. that's MY plan for earth day."

quote of the day.

2009-02-15T01:05:00.002-05:00

ryan, on hustlahs: "you're too dumb to hustle anything. why don't you hustle over here and clear my table?"

quote of the day.

2009-02-14T18:11:00.002-05:00

lacey, on alternative uses for everyday objects: "if i had something like a toothbrush, i would totally scratch my crack right now."

quote of the day.

2009-02-08T21:14:00.002-05:00

chris rager, on race: "i watch the new rap videos sometimes and i say, 'i'm so white.' i guess i play in rock bands - which is pretty much the whitest thing you could do... but what are these other people doing?"

quote of the day.

2009-02-07T23:59:00.003-05:00

julian, on long-term crushes: "that's what's so great about crushes... i don't have to put up with your shit."

quote of the day.

2009-02-05T00:05:00.002-05:00

ryan, on one of my possible tattoo designs: "so, you're just going to get a bunch of desserts tattooed on your chest? ...fat kid?"

quote of the day.

2009-02-04T11:57:00.003-05:00

the person who runs the blog Crummy Church Signs: "Note to submitters: If the picture of the church sign you send in includes people mock-fornicating on the ground in front of it, I'm just gonna have to edit it out before I post it.

Thanks for understanding."

i think they were talking to me regarding this picture:

which used to look like this:

quote of the day.

2009-02-02T22:10:00.002-05:00

ryan, on playing homo-chicken: "gordy and jasper should have a homo-chicken-off. i'm tellin' ya, there would be four days of full on butt-fucking before one of them backed down."

quote of the day.

2009-01-31T11:04:00.002-05:00

ryan: "what about our plant?... oh, i guess we have to give it to ashlee."
phoebe: "she doesn't like it now."
ryan: "well, she can take the leaves off of it."

quote of the day.

2009-01-29T17:23:00.002-05:00

phoebe: i bet she changes her tune the minute she needs you to watch him while she bangs some white trash guy from some parma hardcore band in the jigsaw parking lot.
lacey: i think she's more into thugs and hippies.

quote of the day.

2009-01-27T21:26:00.002-05:00

phoebe, on family: "your MOM smells like old pickles."

quote of the day.

2009-01-25T13:36:00.003-05:00

ryan, on robert plant: "all it takes is a cucumber a couple pieces of duct tape and kind of a bad voice."

quote of the day.

2009-01-24T20:29:00.007-05:00

ryan, on walk-in beer coolers at gas stations: "it's the same stuff only you have to get cold to get it. that doesn't make any sense."

quote of the day.

2009-01-24T20:29:00.006-05:00

ryan, on the malley's in north olmsted: "this may be the strangest place on earth."

quote of the day.

2009-01-24T20:28:00.001-05:00

ryan: "power ballads and pizza. that's america for ya."

quote of the day.

2009-01-24T02:29:00.003-05:00

chris rager, on women: "i'm used to, like, punk girls and art girls - you know, girls who look kind of homeless."

quote of the day.

2009-01-24T02:24:00.003-05:00

chris rager, on the effects of alcohol: "i'm all beer-y."

quote of the day.

2009-01-24T02:23:00.001-05:00

chris rager: "we're talking about PANTS!"