quote of the day.

lisa, via text message: "my flight is delayed because obama is in town. fuck him."

quote of the day.

jeff, out of fucking nowhere: "the tot is no longer my favorite tater."

quote of the day.

ryan, on how sweetest day is even dumber than kwanzaa, as made-up holidays go: "...kwanzaa can pretty much eat a dick. it's basically black people's excuse to wear mufasa costumes. bitch, you don't know what tribe you're from. take that stupid shit off."

quote of the day.

daniela on marriage: "i dunno. it might be kinda cool to be married, if i didn't have to tell anyone."

quote of the day

Justin on living in Cleveland: "Seriously, it's amazing what you can get used to... and like."

quote of the day

Ryan on UFOs: "I've never seen Buenos Aires either but I believe it exists"

quote of the day.

lacey, on my bad misanthropy: "you are my friend who probably hates the most things that there are to hate... WHY are we at the zooooo?"

quote of the day.

ryan, on the gay dudes that own the liquor store: "gay. it's way better than straight edge."

quote of the day.

steve, on the cosby show: "man, i would totally lick lisa bonet."

quote of the day.

sarah, on lapsed catholicism: "bless me father, for i have sinned. it's been 20 years since my last confession... and i have fucked everyone."

quote of the day.

sarah: "you know what's revolting? jenna jameson's asshole."

quote of the day.

ryan: "that might be one of the freakiest things ever... getting charged by a retarded indian in the dark."

quote of the day.

justin, dave and ryan, on revenge:
justin: "i'll be right back. i'm gonna go shit in his bed."
ryan: "there's nothing more awesome than shitting in someone's bed."
dave: "have you ever shit in someone's bed?"
ryan: "no, but it sounds awesome, doesn't it?"

quote of the day.

dave, on beer being sold at the zoo: "we should get tanked and hang out with the monkeys... isn't the zoo free on mondays?... what are you guys doin' on monday?"

quote of the day.

me, on our soon-to-be former roommate: "it's hard to accomplish your life's dream when you suck at life."

quote of the day.

justin, on the sousaphone: "that thing sounds like a retard getting a blow job."

quote of the day.

ryan, on bacon: "like, if there wasn't bacon... seriously, what else would we compare everything to?"

quote of the day.

mary beth, on doug: "why do i think he's so cute?! he's like... a big, greasy, weird-outfit-ball tonight."



[this was from a few days ago. but it needed to make it on here.]

special post: saved text message edition.

so, i have a habit of saving texts i get that i find particularly hilarious or terrible or whatever. i also have a habit of saving old cell phones when i get new ones. so, yeah:

[some names have been censored to protect the not-very-innocent]

04/23/09 - xxxxxxxx: "my doc put me on prozac... my first antidepressant! i feel so grown up. ...and one of the side effects is loss of appetite! *joy*"

04/08/09 - todd: "maybe i need to shove this phone up my ass as some kind of voodoo cure for phantom dialing."

03/14/09 - todd: "one of these days i am going to place an urgent call to you. and you will think it is my butt."

03/13/09 - todd: "fuck my stupid butt."

03/07/09 - xxxxxxxx: "this #!@@&? in front of me in the customer service line has a tattoo on his neck of a music clef with the word death written under it. the white man he's with is returning a toothbrush. a toothbrush. yeah. that's all he has in his hand in the return line. like what? he suddenly doesn't need a toothbrush? he found his old one? he will never in the future need one? and he's returning it for what, $1.50?"

02/28/09 - daniela: "babies are for suckers"

02/20/09 - johnny: "I don't like white bras. They have no pizzazz to them."

01/10/09 - ashlee: "if you watch channel 5's 11 o'clock news tonight you can laugh at andy and i digging my car out of his driveway with a tennis racquet."

12/30/08 - xxxxxxxx: "I just had an HIV test because they were offering them free here when i came to get my birth control shot. One question is how many partners i've had. i think the truth is 4. But the options were none, 1, 2, 3 to 10, and 11 or more. I told them i was offended by the 3 to 10 category. Like i may as well have slept with 10 people."

12/24/08 - tony: "I am decorating the Kwanzaa Hubcap with Olde English bottles and bus transfers as we speak!"

12/05/08 - ashlee: "i couldn't call to ask him cuz he already talks to me in all seriousness like this: 'these are my fish. they're from the amazon. that's a river. in south america.'"

10/29/08 - ryan: "Some hyper little retard is crawling around on the floor trying to count to 100"

10/17/08 - johnny: "Oh Johnny."

07/26/08 - johnny: "I learned a valuable lesson tonight. Girls like me when i'm being awesome."

07/22/08 - stacy: "I want my sex drive removed."

07/18/08 - johnny: "OH FUCK YEAH RYAN AND I ARE SO FRIENDS"

05/27/08 - traci: "My loaner car is a PT Cruiser. I've never felt as gay as I do right now."

03/03/08 - marlee: "damn it woman clean your box."

02/14/08 - todd: "oh yeah. happy valentine's day. go get fucked senseless by a rockstar. i am going to bowl."

02/13/08 - xxxxxxxx: "awww yeah - nothing says love like locking yourself in the bathroom to bleach your 'stache."

12/06/07 - steve: "yes. i am like samson, but my power comes from the length of my cock, not my hair."

10/10/07 - xxxxxxxx: "and they're intrusive. he laid against me on the couch and i put my arm around his shoulder and was like 'ok, now where do i put my hand? on his boob?'"

10/19/07 - ryan: "me and black dad just chillin. we might go get some fortys and hang out behind the hess station ...we do what we want. you ain't his mother"

10/12/07 - xxxxxxxx: "i had an offer from an australian guy that i hung out with two nights ago, too. i passed and i am glad. all i need is a new strain of chlamydia or something to show up on 2 different continents and be linked back to me."

10/06/07 - ashlee: "i just went into this insane magical tanning bed that looks like a spaceship, talks to you, and can apparently turn you into a negro in 3 days."

07/27/07 - ryan: "this has degenerated into trashy bitches shakin dey butts"

07/26/07 - xxxxxxxx: "so i banged xxxxxxxx. i think for a long time. except i was so wasted that i remember maybe 10% of it - i think i may have fallen asleep during"

06/22/07 - ryan: "mildly retarded taco bell clerk is convinced i'm tom cruise"

02/03/07 - ryan: "i want to APOLOGIZE WITH CAPS LOCK ON FOR THE WAY I SMELLED EARLIER I TOOK A SHOWER AND SMELL MUCH LESS LIKE A GOAT BUTTHOLE SO I HOPE YOU WILL CONSIDER COMING HOME LATER INSTEAD OF GOING DIRECTLY TO STEVES"

10/15/06 - ryan: "When danny elfman ends up in a retirement home do you think they'll have oingo BINGO night?"

09/11/06 - ryan: "might have to make out with big jay later you not being around and all"

07/13/06 - ryan: "we're in a target. that's punk rock right?"

07/06/06 - ryan: "As it turns out, ninjas really are super sweet"

06/27/06 - ryan: "My car is sold. my bread has mold. dollar bills i like to fold. my wisdom teeth need to be pulled. now this is getting a little old."
phoebe: "My job does suck. Where is my truck? 3 hours late. My job I hate. Lacey's still drunk and in a funk. I'm tired as hell and don't feel well. But then HEY! Today's Boonesday!"
ryan: "No word from the boys. im getting annoyed. the fish was delish and made quite a dish."

06/12/06 - ryan: "Does the pope shit in the woods?"

05/15/06 - ryan: "Well, first you're going to need to obtain some money. Then you have to find an auto parts store and exchange money for some transmission fluid."

05/01/06 - lacey: "Phantom of Cool!"

04/08/06 - ryan: "Pink cupcake dress with pepsi stain = priceless."

03/08/06 - ashlee: "of course not. I'm rolling around in the gutter with the rest of the alcoholics."

02/03/06 - ryan: "you could always help me 'move another piano'."

01/04/06 - ashlee: "i am looking at a catalog and their jeans are advertised as 'convertible'. the description says they are versatile because they can be worn regular OR cuffed."

11/25/05 - anthony: "this commercial just said 'No one buys a widescreen TV to watch reruns of Alf'. if only there WERE reruns of Alf..."

10/16/05 - ashlee: "i just ordered an entire pizza for myself. I'm going to sit here and roll around in it."

08/26/05 - lacey: "while cleaning under my bed i found a pamphlet titled 'How To Use A Condom'. Where has that been all my life?"

quote of the day.

ryan, on where it all began: "no place like a buffet to take a retard."

quote of the day.

lil blackface, on writing rap songs: "words rhyme with themselves."

quote of the day.

steve: "i would punch an orphan for a blow job right now."

quote of the day.

james, on how fast his bike is: "that's one thing i know. you can talk as much shit as you want. as long as you don't ever have to back it up."

quote of the day.

on medical tape:

ryan: "here's the scissors."
me: "i don't need them - this stuff is tear-able."
ryan: "well, why'd we buy it then?"


wa-wa-waaaaaah.

he's an ass.

quote of the day.

dave, on the statue of liberty: "the statue of liberty is not american. it was made in france. by france people."

quote of the day.

darren, on demi moore: "demi moore is actually pretty healthy. she's like, what, 75... 80 years old."

quote of the day.

mallorie, on octodogs: "the beef ones were very erect and scary!"

quote of the day.

joe hongosh, on ryan's idea of romance: "did you just high-five your not-wife?"

quote of the day.

dave, on payot:

phoebe: "you DO look very jewish."
dave: "yeah, but i don't have the, uh..." (makes swirling gestures with fingers where sidelocks should be)
aubrey: "what are they called?"
dave: "dreidels."

quote of the day.

me, on why i won't be breeding: "if i had a baby, i'd punch it. it is because i know this that i will not be having any babies."

quote of the day.

lacey, on interracial crushes: "if i were ever to switch to the dark side, which i won't, i'd have a crush on the president and lebron james."

quote of the day.

sean, on breakfast (this is from last weekend - i just remembered it!)
sean calls phone: "what are you doing?"
me: "eating breakfast. in denver."
sean: "are you having a denver omelet?"
me: "no."
sean: "why not?! you're RIGHT THERE!"

quote of the day.

donny, on broccoli: "broccoli is good. it's like eating a giant tree of good."

quote of the day.

wendy, on how we've never really been PC: "i don't think that's being racist at all. i think that's just being observant."

quote of the day.

dave, on playing cards in a mexican restaurant: "i guess you could, but usually when mexicans play cards, there's knives involved."

quote of the day.

jeremy brautman, on my kookiness: "I can only imagine that Phoebe’s keyboard is covered in glitter."

ok. this was ACTUALLY just a pathetic way for me to post a link to THIS ARTICLE about ME ME ME on toycyte.com today. go there. you could win something just be telling me what a drunk you are!

quote of the day.

paul snyder, in disgust, on bagelfuls: "america just wants to turn everything into a fucking twinkie!"

quote of the day.

ryan, on whether or not the italian place in lakewood is any good: "i dunno. we could probably ask dave. dave likes food."

quote of the day.

eric, on what smells like bacon all of a sudden: "i did eat bacon pizza earlier. i probably got bacon all over me."

quote of the day.

ryan, on akron kids: "so you dress like a fruit basket and you listen to jay z. great."

quote of the day.

ryan, on drunk bitches at shows who think it's cool to take various percussion instruments from the band and walk around the bar with them: "listen, bitch. i don't come to your job and take your fuckin' stapler and walk around the office stapling shit."

quote of the day.

ryan, on some guy on CNN: "nice head."

quote of the day.

ryan, on earth day: "fucking earth day. i'm going to turn on all the lights and fuck a panda bear. that's MY plan for earth day."

quote of the day.

ryan, on hustlahs: "you're too dumb to hustle anything. why don't you hustle over here and clear my table?"

quote of the day.

lacey, on alternative uses for everyday objects: "if i had something like a toothbrush, i would totally scratch my crack right now."

quote of the day.

chris rager, on race: "i watch the new rap videos sometimes and i say, 'i'm so white.' i guess i play in rock bands - which is pretty much the whitest thing you could do... but what are these other people doing?"

quote of the day.

julian, on long-term crushes: "that's what's so great about crushes... i don't have to put up with your shit."