so, i have a habit of saving texts i get that i find particularly hilarious or terrible or whatever. i also have a habit of saving old cell phones when i get new ones. so, yeah:
[some names have been censored to protect the not-very-innocent]
04/23/09 - xxxxxxxx: "my doc put me on prozac... my first antidepressant! i feel so grown up. ...and one of the side effects is loss of appetite! *joy*"
04/08/09 - todd: "maybe i need to shove this phone up my ass as some kind of voodoo cure for phantom dialing."
03/14/09 - todd: "one of these days i am going to place an urgent call to you. and you will think it is my butt."
03/13/09 - todd: "fuck my stupid butt."
03/07/09 - xxxxxxxx: "this #!@@&? in front of me in the customer service line has a tattoo on his neck of a music clef with the word death written under it. the white man he's with is returning a toothbrush. a toothbrush. yeah. that's all he has in his hand in the return line. like what? he suddenly doesn't need a toothbrush? he found his old one? he will never in the future need one? and he's returning it for what, $1.50?"
02/28/09 - daniela: "babies are for suckers"
02/20/09 - johnny: "I don't like white bras. They have no pizzazz to them."
01/10/09 - ashlee: "if you watch channel 5's 11 o'clock news tonight you can laugh at andy and i digging my car out of his driveway with a tennis racquet."
12/30/08 - xxxxxxxx: "I just had an HIV test because they were offering them free here when i came to get my birth control shot. One question is how many partners i've had. i think the truth is 4. But the options were none, 1, 2, 3 to 10, and 11 or more. I told them i was offended by the 3 to 10 category. Like i may as well have slept with 10 people."
12/24/08 - tony: "I am decorating the Kwanzaa Hubcap with Olde English bottles and bus transfers as we speak!"
12/05/08 - ashlee: "i couldn't call to ask him cuz he already talks to me in all seriousness like this: 'these are my fish. they're from the amazon. that's a river. in south america.'"
10/29/08 - ryan: "Some hyper little retard is crawling around on the floor trying to count to 100"
10/17/08 - johnny: "Oh Johnny."
07/26/08 - johnny: "I learned a valuable lesson tonight. Girls like me when i'm being awesome."
07/22/08 - stacy: "I want my sex drive removed."
07/18/08 - johnny: "OH FUCK YEAH RYAN AND I ARE SO FRIENDS"
05/27/08 - traci: "My loaner car is a PT Cruiser. I've never felt as gay as I do right now."
03/03/08 - marlee: "damn it woman clean your box."
02/14/08 - todd: "oh yeah. happy valentine's day. go get fucked senseless by a rockstar. i am going to bowl."
02/13/08 - xxxxxxxx: "awww yeah - nothing says love like locking yourself in the bathroom to bleach your 'stache."
12/06/07 - steve: "yes. i am like samson, but my power comes from the length of my cock, not my hair."
10/10/07 - xxxxxxxx: "and they're intrusive. he laid against me on the couch and i put my arm around his shoulder and was like 'ok, now where do i put my hand? on his boob?'"
10/19/07 - ryan: "me and black dad just chillin. we might go get some fortys and hang out behind the hess station ...we do what we want. you ain't his mother"
10/12/07 - xxxxxxxx: "i had an offer from an australian guy that i hung out with two nights ago, too. i passed and i am glad. all i need is a new strain of chlamydia or something to show up on 2 different continents and be linked back to me."
10/06/07 - ashlee: "i just went into this insane magical tanning bed that looks like a spaceship, talks to you, and can apparently turn you into a negro in 3 days."
07/27/07 - ryan: "this has degenerated into trashy bitches shakin dey butts"
07/26/07 - xxxxxxxx: "so i banged xxxxxxxx. i think for a long time. except i was so wasted that i remember maybe 10% of it - i think i may have fallen asleep during"
06/22/07 - ryan: "mildly retarded taco bell clerk is convinced i'm tom cruise"
02/03/07 - ryan: "i want to APOLOGIZE WITH CAPS LOCK ON FOR THE WAY I SMELLED EARLIER I TOOK A SHOWER AND SMELL MUCH LESS LIKE A GOAT BUTTHOLE SO I HOPE YOU WILL CONSIDER COMING HOME LATER INSTEAD OF GOING DIRECTLY TO STEVES"
10/15/06 - ryan: "When danny elfman ends up in a retirement home do you think they'll have oingo BINGO night?"
09/11/06 - ryan: "might have to make out with big jay later you not being around and all"
07/13/06 - ryan: "we're in a target. that's punk rock right?"
07/06/06 - ryan: "As it turns out, ninjas really are super sweet"
06/27/06 - ryan: "My car is sold. my bread has mold. dollar bills i like to fold. my wisdom teeth need to be pulled. now this is getting a little old."
phoebe: "My job does suck. Where is my truck? 3 hours late. My job I hate. Lacey's still drunk and in a funk. I'm tired as hell and don't feel well. But then HEY! Today's Boonesday!"
ryan: "No word from the boys. im getting annoyed. the fish was delish and made quite a dish."
06/12/06 - ryan: "Does the pope shit in the woods?"
05/15/06 - ryan: "Well, first you're going to need to obtain some money. Then you have to find an auto parts store and exchange money for some transmission fluid."
05/01/06 - lacey: "Phantom of Cool!"
04/08/06 - ryan: "Pink cupcake dress with pepsi stain = priceless."
03/08/06 - ashlee: "of course not. I'm rolling around in the gutter with the rest of the alcoholics."
02/03/06 - ryan: "you could always help me 'move another piano'."
01/04/06 - ashlee: "i am looking at a catalog and their jeans are advertised as 'convertible'. the description says they are versatile because they can be worn regular OR cuffed."
11/25/05 - anthony: "this commercial just said 'No one buys a widescreen TV to watch reruns of Alf'. if only there WERE reruns of Alf..."
10/16/05 - ashlee: "i just ordered an entire pizza for myself. I'm going to sit here and roll around in it."
08/26/05 - lacey: "while cleaning under my bed i found a pamphlet titled 'How To Use A Condom'. Where has that been all my life?"